Introduction
So far the movies I have reviewed here have been decent picks. Then came The Hoarder, a slasher film I watched for free on one of my favorite platforms, Tubi. Directed by Matt Winn in 2015, I was excited to watch this one based on the description:
“When Ella discovers that her boyfriend is renting a secret storage unit, she becomes suspicious. She breaks into the storage unit with her friend Molly and discovers something sinister.”
They don’t give away too much and the use of the terms “suspicious” and “sinister” appealed to me.
Being completely free and having a surprisingly large number of horror films, Tubi pretty much meets all my criteria for a number one app on my TV. What it doesn’t include, however, are trailers or ratings. Now this can be good or bad. This “blind” choosing has lead me to gems such as “Aftermath” and “Wretched”; I’m very thankful to have watched. On the bad side, it’s also caused me to endure The Hoarder.
When I write these reviews, I always watch the film at least two times, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything and give it a fair chance. That means, that since I suffered two times, YOU should have to experience it too. So grab a drink, find a comfy place to sit, and prepare yourself for 1500 words of nitpicking.
Horror Elements
There is absolutely no backstory to this film at all. No reason why the fiancé is so untrusting, no reason for the antagonist’s actions, no reason why anyone does anything that they do. There might be a sentence or two in an attempt to enrich character development/plot, but nothing more. Audio/music was about the same and the only suspense I had was wondering how much longer I had to deal with the characters before they got killed.
Nothing about this movie was realistic; allow me to give some examples (i.e. complain). For starters, why in the world would the main character think her fiancé would keep a journal of him cheating on her at all, let alone in a storage unit. If he actively used it, then he’d stash it at his office and if it was past inequities, then he would’ve just junked it. Overall just a lame plot set-up.
Next, why the heck are there so many people in those storage units right when it’s closing? Is that just where people go to hang out in the evenings? I can understand a couple, but there were seven for crying out loud! Then, the lady sees her friend get killed by the “creature” and she seriously refuses to leave without her- no way. She would’ve ran outside, called the police, and stayed out there while they handled it. While we’re on the topic of the “creature”, why was he even going around killing random people? How were any of them able to eat if their mouths were stapled shut? And why wouldn’t they just pull the damn staples out?? And WHY was a pudgy, middle-aged man who works a sedentary job, able to beat up everyone else so easily, despite them being younger and in much better shape??? I mean in the final scene, it was two against one and the two even had a gun! Sadly, these are questions I may never know the answers to.
I also feel it pertinent to mention how incredibly unrealistic one of the end scenes was: the main character is being chased by what she now knows is the psycho killer. He is attempting to capture her so he can staple her mouth shut and imprison her forever in a storage locker. While madly running away, she stumbles into a box that has her name on it. What does she do? Did you guess: Run right past it to the nearest exit, grabbing something along the way to use as a weapon, escaping outside to her car, driving away while calling the police? If you did, then you were wrong! Instead, she stops to go through her belongings very very VERY slowly, giving the killer ample time to sneak up on her, thus enabling him to add her to his perverse assortment of prisoners.
Tangent
I know I’ve been pretty negative so far in this review, so let me try “The Sandwich” technique for this section. If you’re not familiar with what this is, I’ll explain it to you. “The Sandwich” is used when giving feedback, particularly if there’s a criticism involved. Basically, the person giving the feedback starts with a compliment, or something positive. After this comes the criticism, followed up by another bit of positivity.
For Example:
Compliment: Wow, that’s a really cute hamster at the beginning of the film.
Critique: I can’t stand any of these characters, how long does this film go on for, just be done already, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it through another 20 minutes of this acting, why why why did I pick this to watch…
Compliment: Well, it’s not the worst I’ve seen.
Now with that brief lesson over, back to the review.
Movie Elements
To start with a positive, there’s a really cute hamster in one of the scenes. The hamster doesn’t die and looks really happy. It’s also a bit plump, which adds to the cuteness.
Cinematography was “meh”; It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great. I have nothing to remark on in regards to the pacing either. Plot, however, is a different story. Let’s start with the event that sparked the main characters even going to the storage unit. Two of the characters are talking at the beginning, one is about to get married while the other is her friend.
Allow me to just share the first sentence I wrote during my review:
“It’s been 15 minutes and I already hate all the characters.”
Poor acting, stale dialogue, and zero character development. I really don’t know what else to say about this. If the actors would have intentionally tried to be terrible, it would have almost been entertaining, but as they were taking things serious, I can’t even give the “entertainment” factor a thumbs-up.
Despite it’s flaws, I will give the movie credit for originality in regards to the plot’s premise. Did it go in a great direction? No. Did I like the ending? No. Could the idea be redone and turned into something super scary and horrific? Yes. Honestly, this movie could have been really good; the claustrophobic feeling of being stuck within the units, being chased by some humanoid creature, not sure how to escape, no cell service with the thick walls of the building- all this could easily equate to high quality horror.
Conclusion
If the previous paragraphs weren’t clear, allow me to summarize my thoughts: I did not like this movie. As mentioned earlier, it was a good idea that had potential to be a great scary movie… but it just wasn’t. Honestly, it was the details that killed it for me. I can forgive crap acting and lame dialogue, if attention is paid to the small details. This film felt like a family got together for a reunion one year and decided, “Hey, let’s make a movie!”, and slapped everything together over a four day weekend. It just didn’t feel like any passion for horror went into this at all, which leads me to our rating:
Final Scare Me Please Score: The Hamster was the Best Part of the Movie, Out of 100
Have you watched this movie? What did you think? Anything we missed? Have an idea for what we should watch next? Drop a comment below to let us know!
Scare Me Please 